Lately I've been thinking about what happens after high school. Say what you like: Little late for that eh?, You've got plenty of time!, Just enjoy the time you have now!, Better get to cracking! Time's a' ticking!
Whatever it be. Just shut up for a minute. No matter what side of the spectrum I'm on I feel so condemned from both sides: Either go to college and pursue a degree and in essence live your LIFE a bit before you "settle down". Go out and experience things, experience life, and struggle and wrestle with your faith, because that makes you strong. Or DON'T go to college, DON'T pursue a degree, or a career. Settle down, be a stay at home mom. Women are suppose to be at home.
No matter what side I'm on, there's condemnation on the OTHER side. It just sucks. I'm so tired of people applying (whether unconsciously or consciously, although consciously done tends to hurt more..) their standards to me, and others for that matter. I'm SICK of this. Jesus defines me-not your freaking standards. I'm not living my life to reach YOUR bench mark..mmkk?
Please note that the sarcasm will be given in heavier doses in this particular post.
No matter where I go in my life there's always going to be condemnation coming from somewhere. It really crushes (especially in this area in my life) my spirits. It does nothing to encourage me and spur me on in Christ. In fact it tears me down, it spreads decay, it HURTS me, honestly it does. Why should it bother me so? If I'm honestly letting Christ define me and not what others say or think about me, then why does it bother me?
First- It's so confusing. I'm indecisive as to what I'm going to do as it is! I just need time to think away from the noise, away from the people, the influences, the beloved people and yes role models. Apart from these people, I need time to think about my own interests, my own pursuits and figure it out. I don't WANT to pursue a career. I really don't. I don't see *me* living life in pursuit of a career. I don't see a point in a degree unless I'm going to use it. I'm not going to be an idiot who uses it for bragging rights. I'm either going to use a chunk of my life to go to college in pursuit of a degree for a career, to USE. Or I'm not. Because I'm certainly not going to waste my life, my time, the short time I have on God's green earth (it's beautiful..and guess what I'm a flower. I'm here for a season. And so are you. Think about that.) to waste spending time at college, getting a degree for NOTHING. (*add*: But bragging rights) I'm not going to waste my time partying it up as a college student either. There's things I would rather do, places I would rather see, things I would rather learn, food I'd like to eat, people God wants me to meet (that I know not of now..), etc.
Second- That's just it, it IS a struggle of who defines me. It is a struggle of my identity. American culture today has successfully made you an unsuccessful person if you do not have a degree, a career, SUCCESS-intellectually, financially, socially, etc. Right now I speak more of intellectually. Your intellect must be written on a paper that says, "Hey look I've got a degree. I have a ph.d in math.." Or whatever. You HAVE no identity if you don't have that fancy paper saying you went to BSU for four years. BS. So I'm a nobody because my intellect doesn't jump through your freaking hoops? Kick rocks, and that's BS.
My identity must be, Christ. My acceptance is in Christ. Tell me why again it bothers me so much? I see a heart issue..
To be continued...
~Elisabeth
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Great post Jor! Do what Christ is calling you to do and don't look at anyone else because their story is def not yours. Probably why the do not covet commandment is given to us because in our sinful nature, we always feel that need to compare or be compared to. It is a lifelong struggle.... not just with the after highschool question but everything as you get older! Love to see you struggling through it and trying to hear God's voice above anyone elses... Go girl...
ReplyDeleteHi Jordan,
ReplyDeleteI don't even know how I got on here, especially as I very rarely read blogs and comment on them even more seldomly. However that may be, I read this tonight, and it made me remember being in similar shoes when I was your age. I will pray that you find answers and peace. Remember, as Peter Leithart once counseled me, that God guides us in part by the desires of our hearts, and that part of knowing what your heart desires is #1 staying close to God, and #2 trying out a lot of different things. That's all I'll say here and now, but I would love to give you more encouragement and talk about some of these things if you would like. You can email me.
Cheers,
Jenny Rallens (jenny.rallens@gmail.com)