I have a love/hate for Mondays. The thought of a long week ahead is either overwhelmingly stressful, or overwhelmingly exciting, or overwhelmingly mundane and boring. Lamentations 3:22-23 is what gets me through Mondays. That's only if I'm even looking to God when I'm overwhelmed by Mondays. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I have to chide myself and purposefully read those verses.
Mondays are kind of scary. It's either the start of a really crappy week, a really exciting and busy week, or a really mundane and boring week. I have this weird fear of Mondays. Call it pathological or irrational (or a combo of both..yikes) it's in actuality not of the Mondays themselves. I think it's more of the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen THIS week? Am I going to SURVIVE this week? Is surviving even a question? Or is it more like how am I going to live my life this week? (For God, or for myself..) What sort of struggles will I face? What sort of people will I encounter? Is there (if you really want to get to the bare bones and be honest..) ANY amount of control on MY part? That's what the fear boils down to. It boils down to control. Mondays for me, are a small break in the illusion that I am in control.
It was a typical summer Monday for me: Get up, weigh myself (I'm on weight watchers with my Mom and Sis. I'm morale support and I have a small goal.) Which is another reason, by the way, why I hate Mondays.., record in my observations journal (aka weight watchers journal..maybe I'll post about it some other time..), eat breakfast, and gather around with Jules, Jake, and Ma to do Bible reading and read from, "Don't Waste Your Life" by Piper.
To keep this some what maintained (because I'm so over wordy just because I'm a detail oriented gal myself..) I'm just going to fast forward and get to the point. Before I go on however, I want you to know that as much as I am honest about home life on my blog, I'm also very indirect about the darker side of life. I'm sure you've noticed. Sometimes I'm indirect just because by the time I blog about it I've already talked with a bunch of other people (God, my family, people in the church..) about my situation and struggles. To blog about it directly and give all the details can be frustrating in a sense. Why blog about it then? It helps to just spell out the crap in life sometimes; even in an indirect way. It helps to think about it again, and again and analyze over and over again. And search my heart over more than once. If that makes sense. If you've read other posts of mine you've heard me say that I blog so my head doesn't explode. Point being, this time I'm going to be more direct. You can stop reading if you want. Just sayin..
Fast forwarding-There was an issue of pride on my part. I have trouble sleeping. Of late I stay up really late. 12..is usually the latest, sometimes one..sometimes later. I'll be in bed and I'll fall asleep to music or tire myself out by reading. I always ask why can't I just go to sleep and pass out? I used to be able to do that when I was little. (But I did go through a phase when I was little where I would anxiously lay in bed and then start bawling. I'd hyper ventilate too-mildly so. Basically I would have anxiety attacks when I was little, contemplating on whether or not I was a Christian. Was my name in the book of life? Can God ever forgive me because I'm such a sinner-I haven't been "doing enough works for Him. (I've always wrestled with grace..but I think everyone does..) I'd run downstairs to my parents and perhaps ask for benadryl or something. I was always told to fight it through. "There isn't any medicine for anxiety...etc." You know. Drugs don't deal with the conflict-it just knocks you out so you can sleep without the conscience thoughts seeping in and bothering you.. They would pray for me, and have me pray for me. They would remind me that I don't have to DO anything for salvation. They would remind me of Lamentations 2:22-23 They would remind me that people who are as concerned as I was about my heart, who claimed to be Christians-ARE CHRISTIANS. They aren't "not" saved. If that makes sense. I went through that phase around when I was ten and eleven. But it's not like I'd be up until 1 in the morning..) I couldn't quite figure out why it was that I have been having sleeping issues. Why do I feel like I have to stay up THIS late?
Part of it is because since I turned sixteen I no longer have an official bedtime. (Although 12 every night isn't acceptable because it starts to catch up with me. And then I end up sleeping in until ten..) I had a lot of time today (a whole half of a day) to really examine myself and search my heart. The reason why I stay up so late and can't "unwind" is because if I stay up late enough then I'll be tired enough to just fall asleep without having to really THINK about my life. If I'm tired enough I can push aside all thoughts, reflections of my day, reflections of my HEART and where I am at in my life. You see it's just the same as drugging. It's a sin issue for me. It's a way to take control of my life. It's a form of unfaithfulness to God. I don't trust Him with my life so I'm going to take charge of it.
My life right now isn't the greatest. But it's not facing the reality of my life that I'm afraid of. It's facing the reality of my heart that I'm afraid of. You see, when the spiritual realm (see Ephesians 6:11-etc.) breaks through the temporal realm the illusion that YOU are in control starts cracking. When conflict can no longer be overlooked, the power and influence of evil is so vivid you can't ignore the reality of things. There is a REAL spiritual battle that you must face on a day to day basis. When we ignore that, and make our own little worlds where "we're" in control, at SOME POINT the reality of the spiritual realm is going to break through your illusion. It will break through your world. It is not fun when it smashes your world. You're a wreck. Put on the full armor of God, Christian. With God there is NO shortcuts when dealing with conflict, when fighting the good fight. God's going to break your world, tear it apart and remind you that He is in control.
When this happens you have 1 of two choices: 1) Run to God, repent and put on the whole armor of God and FIGHT. OR 2) Run away from God and try to find ways in which you can control your life. Basically: Continue sinning. Running away from God and doing things like drugs, getting drunk, sex, etc. (which is the extreme side of things) or even the not so extreme side of things: closing your eyes and pretending there's no sin-it doesn't deal with the conflict. It doesn't take it away. It numbs the pain that your sin is causing you and others around you. It creates an illusion that there is no sin. But the conflict is still there.
One way or another God will break you..keep on sinning and He'll keep on breaking you. Or He'll give you up to your passions and lusts of your heart-but He'll continue to let you know that He's still in control of your life. Although you're doing what you please-you're not going to be AS evil and AS sinful as you can possibly be. He's still God.
This Monday I wrestled with God. I encountered a holy God, as I saw all the wickedness in my heart. You know what? Somehow-(only by God's grace) I'm at peace. I know that no matter what happens, even if the WORST happened-He has a plan, He has a purpose. In the end THIS isn't it.
I'll leave you with this question: When was the last time you encountered God? When was the last time you wrestled with God? Have you armored yourself with the full armor of God? Have you eaten and drank from His table? Are you satisfied? Because now YOU have to go OUT THERE where there's people so accustomed to darkness, so down in the depths of despair, (as Anne would say) so incredibly hopeless, and they think there is no way out. They think that this is all there is. They keep looking and looking for peace and restoration, and redemption, and grace, and mercy and satisfaction, and hope, and love. They don't find it. They KNOW they can't save themselves. These people need to hear about the cross. They need to hear about the Gospel. We are told to go out there humbly (because we AREN'T better then them, we are ALL made in God's image, and we are ALL sinners..) and tell them about Christ in a way that is free of the Christian language/jargon. By that I mean: All the doctrinal phrases, all the stuff Christians know, they know because they're Christians. They've read the Bible, they've studied theology, they've read a wide variety of Christian literature, they've heard a wide variety of Christian preachers. We live in a world right now (at least in Western culture..) where people think they KNOW Jesus. But they don't. We need to tell them in a way that they can understand, and in a way that isn't boring. To me the Gospel message isn't boring, and to Christians it isn't boring. (or it shouldn't be). What I mean is we need to tell them in a way that's understandable to them, and in a way that they haven't heard before. (SO-all their assumptions about Jesus that are false-we need to tell them about the REAL facts about Jesus. Who He REALLY is, what He REALLY does, How He's REALLY involved in our lives PRESENTLY.)
Are you equipped with the Word of God so you can do that?
~Lissie
Ps. Can you tell (for any of you Nampa Bible readers..if any..) I've been listening to the sermons? Geeze, Lissie..
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