Driving again. My Mom and I want to maybe dedicate a day to practice driving in certain areas. (like in driver's ed) And driving just to where ever my Mom happens to be going. (I've already been doing that much.)
School! I'm SO SO SO excited for school!! All new curriculum this year! I can't remember all of their names. But I know I'm going to be taking in a lot of literature; doing a lot of essay writing etc. Grammar, and SPANISH!! (Although I'd prefer to learn Latin first..but whatever. Spanish is on my list of languages to learn so I'm down with that!) Algebra 1 (yes I'm behind but whatever. grades don't define you, luckily. If they do--well you need to re-think your life.), a lot of history, etc. Maybe a sport or two..I don't know. :D I haven't looked into that stuff yet. We had checked a while ago but the fall stuff wasn't out yet. I'd love to learn tennis. For some reason I've always wanted to learn.
FALL! I love all the colors, the crisp air, and the comfy clothes. :) Cocoa on the porch! OH SPEAKING OF WHICH cocoa on the porch while it's snowing is magnificent!
Fall brings Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving brings..CALIFORNIA TRIP! I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THE CALIFORNIA TRIP! MY OLDER SISTER JALYNA AND MY OLDER BROTHER DREW (WHOM I HAVEN'T MET IN PERSON YET!!) ARE COMING OUT TO VISIT! AND I GET TO SEE UNCLE! AND I GET TO MEET MY AUNTIE EMMA (from the Philippines! my Lola's sister!)!!! And I get to see Papa! And Auntie Carmen and Ate Maria (Filipino *relations*)!! AND TT!! YEAH-YA! I get to see some awesome friends!!!!!!!! It's going to be one heck of a trip! A very memorable one!
I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm looking forward to all of these things! School's going to keep me busy enough to make the days go by faster, and Cali CLOSER!
I do have to say though, I love all the new friends and church family we've met out here in Idaho. You guys are a blessing to my life and I love you guys very very much. You all are some very dear people to my heart. God knew just what we (my family) needed, and just who to put in our lives; some very special God-fearing people. Shout out to Nampa Bible peeps: I heart *stalk* you.
Affectionately,
~Elisabeth Darcy
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Driving Strike
I haven't been driving for a while. When I first got my permit I drove quite a bit. Then at some point I stopped, and avoided it as much as I could. "Oh I uh..left my wallet upstairs, it has my permit in it.." You know. Stupid stuff like that.
I'm quite insecure driving the big red van. I'll to take a picture of it and post it so you all can see. Anyhow, it's a 12 passenger van (currently only having eleven seats as of now..) the right side mirror was bashed off (by my Mom--haha not me). Having all of the family in it at once, doesn't help either. Too many distractions.
Driving with my Mom SOMETIMES makes me nervous. I think it's just bad communication on my part so she's no clue what I'm doing. And then she freaks out. And then I get freaked out because she's freaking out and then it's just a misunderstanding overall. HOWEVER sometimes I am doing something worth freaking out-but not always. I mean not for that kind of freaking out..
So I'm terrified. But, I want to overcome that fear. I want to be a confident (not timid) driver! I just need to practice. The plan was to ease into driving with all my siblings. But instead I just jumped into it. So then I stopped.
My parents aren't ones to force me into it. My permit is good until 5 days after I'm 18. That's a while. I think their main thing is to let me ease into it. Which I like. I'm ready to start driving again, just maybe not with all my siblings and stuff. I'm going to start over and ease into everything at my own pace. Once the water is warm then I'll start swimming to a cold spot until that's warm again. (EW. NOT TO CREATE AN ANALOGY OF SOMEONE PEEING IN THE WATER..THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING FOR AT ALL. WHATEVER.)
All this to say--I'm going to be driving again! THE ROADS ARE NO LONGER SAFE!! Mwahahah!
~~Lissie~~
I'm quite insecure driving the big red van. I'll to take a picture of it and post it so you all can see. Anyhow, it's a 12 passenger van (currently only having eleven seats as of now..) the right side mirror was bashed off (by my Mom--haha not me). Having all of the family in it at once, doesn't help either. Too many distractions.
Driving with my Mom SOMETIMES makes me nervous. I think it's just bad communication on my part so she's no clue what I'm doing. And then she freaks out. And then I get freaked out because she's freaking out and then it's just a misunderstanding overall. HOWEVER sometimes I am doing something worth freaking out-but not always. I mean not for that kind of freaking out..
So I'm terrified. But, I want to overcome that fear. I want to be a confident (not timid) driver! I just need to practice. The plan was to ease into driving with all my siblings. But instead I just jumped into it. So then I stopped.
My parents aren't ones to force me into it. My permit is good until 5 days after I'm 18. That's a while. I think their main thing is to let me ease into it. Which I like. I'm ready to start driving again, just maybe not with all my siblings and stuff. I'm going to start over and ease into everything at my own pace. Once the water is warm then I'll start swimming to a cold spot until that's warm again. (EW. NOT TO CREATE AN ANALOGY OF SOMEONE PEEING IN THE WATER..THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING FOR AT ALL. WHATEVER.)
All this to say--I'm going to be driving again! THE ROADS ARE NO LONGER SAFE!! Mwahahah!
~~Lissie~~
What's Left
Summer for me is almost over. I have two and half weeks (approximately) left. I start school September 7th. What's left of the summer is going to be enjoyed fully. Reading books, enjoying summer evening walks, and discliplining myself for the coming school semester. I'm trying to get up somewhat early to do my work out, eat breakfast, shower and get dressed, and make my bed. I want to be done with all of that by 8:30 during the school semester so I can actually start school by then. (Or at least by 9) I'm also trying to stay in the habit of working out. Mon-Fri I do the 30 day shred with Jillian Michaels. Fri-Saturday I go running. I also want to stay in the habit of daily devotions. Feed my soul.
What's left of summer is going to be pretty chill and relaxed:
What's left is going to be nice. I don't want to take it for granted.
I'm excited! I still have a bit of summer left!!
~Lissie
What's left of summer is going to be pretty chill and relaxed:
- Summer evening walks,
- Reading whatever I can get my hands on,
- Working out,
- Daily Devotions,
- Building my wind (see HERE),
- Some owed-letter writing,
- A few crafty projects:
- I'm currently working on a skirt,
- Some spray painting stuff for my room,
- Mod podging stuff for my room,
- Going out driving with my Mom (hopefully we want to do it but things keep coming up),
- Netflix like crazy,
- Coffee dates,
- Common Placing like crazy,
- Sleeping in,
- Getting up early,
- Staying up late,
- Iced tea on the porch,
- Maybe some shopping (for fall clothes though!!),
- Enjoying as MUCH of the sun as possible!
What's left is going to be nice. I don't want to take it for granted.
I'm excited! I still have a bit of summer left!!
~Lissie
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Quote of the day#4
"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." C. S. Lewis
AND (because I think they can be read together...)
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice.
He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."~G. K. Chesterton's "Orthodoxy"
AND (because I think they can be read together...)
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice.
He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."~G. K. Chesterton's "Orthodoxy"
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Quote of the day#3
"If you're not growing, if you're not walking with Jesus; if you're not being challenged by Jesus, if you're not learning from Jesus; if you're not receiving the forgiveness and restoration and mercy of Jesus, if you're not paying attention: Then even the past fruit of your life will shrivel up and blow away. See the Christian life is either growing or dying. And most people who think they're standing still are dying; they're dying. It's grow or die. And those who pay attention grow.These words are life, they really are. But you have to pay attention. You have to kneel before a king, not rub your chin and take advice from a good teacher. And when we're doing that a change will happen, it just will. Not because we're pursing change. Converts will happen not even because we're pursing converts; because we're pursing Jesus. Change happens because you pursue Jesus not because you pursue change. Discipleship happens not because you're pursuing discipleship but because you're pursuing Jesus."~Sharad Yadav (my Pastor!)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Possesive Love
I love the people I've met here. I've grown to love them so very, very much and very dearly. I've made some awesome peer friends and we've met some really amazing families. I love the adults and their kids. (Including the "Kids" my age ;D)
I couldn't bear the thought of leaving. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else leaving. I have plans for my life. My dreams would look something like this: If someone came along and we got married we would stay in Nampa. I'd want to stay and continue going to Nampa Bible and see my family there too. I don't want to be further up in Idaho like way up in Idaho falls, or in Moscow Idaho, or states away. I want to be in Nampa and if not somewhere NEAR Nampa.
That's how it would stay. As things are now only I'd be married.
But that's not reality. Things change in life because God has plans of His own. Thinking about the beloved people I'd hate to leave (I'd be devastated.) hurts. Having to realize that I'm not in control of my life, God is, is scary. I hate to think of change. I hate to think of people moving away, etc. I love these people too much. I cling too much to my own plans. I don't trust God with His plans for my life. It's a lack of trust. I need to be praying about it. I cannot cling so much to my hopes and dreams. Those cannot be my pursuit in life. Happiness cannot be my pursuit in life. The heart can never get enough. Ever. So even if I got everything I wanted as perfectly as I had pictured it and wanted it-it still wouldn't be enough. If I cling to my will, it's going to be so hard when I am faced with God's will.
~L.
I couldn't bear the thought of leaving. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else leaving. I have plans for my life. My dreams would look something like this: If someone came along and we got married we would stay in Nampa. I'd want to stay and continue going to Nampa Bible and see my family there too. I don't want to be further up in Idaho like way up in Idaho falls, or in Moscow Idaho, or states away. I want to be in Nampa and if not somewhere NEAR Nampa.
That's how it would stay. As things are now only I'd be married.
But that's not reality. Things change in life because God has plans of His own. Thinking about the beloved people I'd hate to leave (I'd be devastated.) hurts. Having to realize that I'm not in control of my life, God is, is scary. I hate to think of change. I hate to think of people moving away, etc. I love these people too much. I cling too much to my own plans. I don't trust God with His plans for my life. It's a lack of trust. I need to be praying about it. I cannot cling so much to my hopes and dreams. Those cannot be my pursuit in life. Happiness cannot be my pursuit in life. The heart can never get enough. Ever. So even if I got everything I wanted as perfectly as I had pictured it and wanted it-it still wouldn't be enough. If I cling to my will, it's going to be so hard when I am faced with God's will.
~L.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Reading List
My reading list has changed. It always changes. It's one BIG reading list and all the other ones are just mini ones taken from the huge BIG one. (Which I actually have typed up in my google docs. It's sad. Whatev.)
It looks something like this:
I just haven't been reading as much as I normally do. (Which is like a book a week or a book every other week.) Now whenever I read I try (if I come across something meaningful and worth it) to common place great quotes. It takes me a while to push through the reading if I'm also trying to jot down amazing quotes and thoughts following. But that's not what's really holding me back from diving into some literature. Of late I feel overwhelmed in every other area in my life. The huge reading list I have is overwhelming to. I don't need ONE more thing to overwhelm me. Instead I'm going at my own pace. I know with school starting pretty soon that it doesn't matter I'll have to read and accomplish the reading one way or another. But until then I'm going to ease into the water a bit. :) Although it's not the brightest of ideas since during school it'll be harder to pick up some free reading stuff. But whatever. Those books can be put on hold. They've waited this long for me on my shelf, they'll still be there by Christmas and Thanksgiving break. And so on.
~L
It looks something like this:
- The Reason For God (Tim Keller)
- Surprised By Joy (Lewis)
- Moby Dick
- Gulliver's Travels
- One Thing you Can't Do In Heaven (Mark Cahill)
- The Grand Demonstration (Jay Adams)
- Cry Of the Soul (YES I STILL haven't finished it.)
I just haven't been reading as much as I normally do. (Which is like a book a week or a book every other week.) Now whenever I read I try (if I come across something meaningful and worth it) to common place great quotes. It takes me a while to push through the reading if I'm also trying to jot down amazing quotes and thoughts following. But that's not what's really holding me back from diving into some literature. Of late I feel overwhelmed in every other area in my life. The huge reading list I have is overwhelming to. I don't need ONE more thing to overwhelm me. Instead I'm going at my own pace. I know with school starting pretty soon that it doesn't matter I'll have to read and accomplish the reading one way or another. But until then I'm going to ease into the water a bit. :) Although it's not the brightest of ideas since during school it'll be harder to pick up some free reading stuff. But whatever. Those books can be put on hold. They've waited this long for me on my shelf, they'll still be there by Christmas and Thanksgiving break. And so on.
~L
Building Up Our Wind
I try to keep up with the 30 day shred workout video with Jillian Michaels, Mon-Fri. (Emphasis on "try") Saturdays and Sundays are my chillaxing days. Which means NO workout. I've always liked going on walks, and I've noticed it feels good on my knees to walk. When they're really achy and standing up and stretching them isn't helping enough (this is while waiting for the Ibuprofen to kick in..which it doesn't really help..especially on REALLY bad days) going on a walk does. Besides I really enjoy looking at God's beautiful creation and being quite and thinking.
Evy has been running. She's built herself up to the point where she's able to run a mile without stopping. She just accomplished a HUGE goal four miles! Yes, I know. DANG is very much appropriate at this particular moment. DANG. Anyhow, I've always enjoyed running. But, I never thought about doing it for a workout. She suggested we run together if I wanted to. The thing is, Evy can ask me to do anything and I'll do it. If she wants me to come over to help her make dinner, I will. (If it's ok with my Mom. Which it usually is! Unless my Mom needs my help here.) I love Evy and it doesn't matter what we do together just as along as we're hanging out together. You know when that is the case you really are friends!
After my doctors appointment, and hearing about how physical therapy might be good for me, I got to thinking. I don't WANT to do physical therapy. I mean if it's about stretches and workouts to build up my knee muscles then-tell me what I can do. I didn't have a stroke, I wasn't in a car accident, I didn't break my legs, or knees..so why dramatize the situation more? I don't know. I think it's more like pride that's getting to me. I'd rather just have them tell me what I can do and let me do it for myself.. But I haven't even gotten the blood test results back, NOR have I seen an orthopedic yet. SO. I'm just going to wait BEFORE I come to any conclusions about anything. I'll wait and see what happens about all this.
IN the meantime. Jake and I have now made Saturday mornings our running days. I calculated (using a pedometer) that twice around the outskirts of our subdivision is a mile. We can't run a mile non-stop just running. (Oh and running-more like jogging..what am I saying?) So we alternate between jogging and fast power walking. The jogging time is longer then the walking time. And we only go in so fast as is within our limits. If we keep this up, we'll slowly take out some of our walking time. We'll do this until we get to the point where we're just jogging non-stop (no walking) a mile. Once we've accomplished that we'll have to party for one thing. Actually I want to get to the point where it's a mile, a mile and a half, two miles..(etc.)
For now, we're building up our wind! Jake's a good running partner. Today was our first day. We went around 12 in the afternoon. Just before it gets REALLY hot. Next Saturday we want to go around 6 before anyone's up and while it's still cool out. (I HATE running in our subdivision when people are out and they stare like: Go jabba the hut. Hahah. Actually it's more like: Dang. I need to start running too. That's more like it. Haha. Jake and I are born athletes! If it was up to us we'd be doing everything from rock climbing-tennis-fencing-swimming..YEAH you get the point. It's just a matter of money. WHICH. Sucks.)
Cheer us on!!
Your blogging soon to be mile runner athlete,
Lissie
Ps. Oh and I know once a week for running isn't much. But we'll get to the point where it's more often. :) We're just starting!
Evy has been running. She's built herself up to the point where she's able to run a mile without stopping. She just accomplished a HUGE goal four miles! Yes, I know. DANG is very much appropriate at this particular moment. DANG. Anyhow, I've always enjoyed running. But, I never thought about doing it for a workout. She suggested we run together if I wanted to. The thing is, Evy can ask me to do anything and I'll do it. If she wants me to come over to help her make dinner, I will. (If it's ok with my Mom. Which it usually is! Unless my Mom needs my help here.) I love Evy and it doesn't matter what we do together just as along as we're hanging out together. You know when that is the case you really are friends!
After my doctors appointment, and hearing about how physical therapy might be good for me, I got to thinking. I don't WANT to do physical therapy. I mean if it's about stretches and workouts to build up my knee muscles then-tell me what I can do. I didn't have a stroke, I wasn't in a car accident, I didn't break my legs, or knees..so why dramatize the situation more? I don't know. I think it's more like pride that's getting to me. I'd rather just have them tell me what I can do and let me do it for myself.. But I haven't even gotten the blood test results back, NOR have I seen an orthopedic yet. SO. I'm just going to wait BEFORE I come to any conclusions about anything. I'll wait and see what happens about all this.
IN the meantime. Jake and I have now made Saturday mornings our running days. I calculated (using a pedometer) that twice around the outskirts of our subdivision is a mile. We can't run a mile non-stop just running. (Oh and running-more like jogging..what am I saying?) So we alternate between jogging and fast power walking. The jogging time is longer then the walking time. And we only go in so fast as is within our limits. If we keep this up, we'll slowly take out some of our walking time. We'll do this until we get to the point where we're just jogging non-stop (no walking) a mile. Once we've accomplished that we'll have to party for one thing. Actually I want to get to the point where it's a mile, a mile and a half, two miles..(etc.)
For now, we're building up our wind! Jake's a good running partner. Today was our first day. We went around 12 in the afternoon. Just before it gets REALLY hot. Next Saturday we want to go around 6 before anyone's up and while it's still cool out. (I HATE running in our subdivision when people are out and they stare like: Go jabba the hut. Hahah. Actually it's more like: Dang. I need to start running too. That's more like it. Haha. Jake and I are born athletes! If it was up to us we'd be doing everything from rock climbing-tennis-fencing-swimming..YEAH you get the point. It's just a matter of money. WHICH. Sucks.)
Cheer us on!!
Your blogging soon to be mile runner athlete,
Lissie
Ps. Oh and I know once a week for running isn't much. But we'll get to the point where it's more often. :) We're just starting!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Quote of the day#2
"You know, I was thinking. If ppl had a taste, like ppl that we love that are dead now, Pappi would be an onion." "That's really weird disturbing that you said that just now." "I just took a bite of that salad and it made me think of Pappi because he likes onions and spicy things." "Grandpa would be an onion too because your Dad said he used to eat them like an apple."~Me and My Mom while making dinner.
~Elisabeth Darcy
~Elisabeth Darcy
Blood work and X Rays
Today I had a doctors appointment. I got 6 x-ray pictures taken of my knees, and a blood test. (Fun way to start your day!) We have a family history of arthritis (on both sides of the family) and my knees, ever since I can remember, have always bothered me. They ache. This last year and particularly this year (and this past month or so) my knees REALLY ache.
They don't really respond to Ibuprofen very well, I've been taken 600mgs and it's been taking a LONG time for it to kick in. Two-two and half hours or so. And then it doesn't give me much relief when it does kick in. So that's why I went to the doctors.
The doctor said that she doesn't think it is arthritis. She says my knee caps move more freely then most. They have more mobility. It's like they're more flexible then the average *normal* person's. (I could've told her that.. But I didn't realize that it was *abnormal* for them to move around as much as they do..) She thinks it's the mobility that is causing my knees pain. She says if that's the case physical therapy would be good for me to get some knee exercises that builds up my knee muscles. Which I wasn't too happy about. Why can't they just give me some stretches or something? I mean why do I have to GO to physical therapy..? I dunno. I won't think too much on it anyways since we haven't gotten the blood test back yet.
The nurse is making an appointment with (I forgot what he specializes in..specifically) a guy who apparently deals with a lot of knee issues and athletes stuff like that. Whatever. The like. That's why the doctor had me get some x-rays done of my knees so he can have them, and have looked at them by the time we meet at the appointment with him. So, cool. It's all organized and stuff. That is ONE thing I like about the doctor's, they're so organized. And you know me, that's up my alley. But, she had me take a blood test anyways since there IS a family history of arthritis. Annnnddd since I've noticed aches and stuff in my elbows and shooting down my arm and into my hands too.
I don't know when my next appointment is. So we'll see what ends up happening. Also, I'll be posting about the blood test results. I also hope the pain in my elbows and hands can be explained... Blerg. Whatev. What a fun day! (no..not really..)
I'm a germ freak too! I hate sitting in the waiting room chairs or any chairs at the doctors-period! They're so yucky to think about all the sick people before you that have sat there. People that were diagnosed with life threatening diseases that have sat in that chair before you, and perhaps died since then..
I wouldn't let Josiah touch the arm rest on the chairs because, "of germs, Siah". I can't help it. It grosses me out. When I came home I RAN inside being careful not to *touch* anything because of "being at the doctors..EW."
When I was waiting to get my x-rays taken, there was a bunch of old ladies waiting in the waiting room too. I watched them for a while. (I'm a people person what can I say? I LOVE to people watch..) Then I turned around and I told my Mom that I really like old people. She's like you do? And I was like yeah. They're so sweet. And even when they aren't you gotta realize they have lived life, and experienced much more than you have.. I don't know. There's something beautiful about them. Oh and those old ladies were so funny and cute and sweet.
Just for the record before I end this, it was my first time getting a blood test. I actually don't mind it!! I think getting your blood pressure taken is WORSE. I HATE the squeezy thing! I have to purposefully think about something else, look at something else (if possible), and slow my breathing. Otherwise I start to laugh uneasily just out of pure nervousness. I'm claustrophobic and all I can think about is, "I wanna get my arm outta this, I wanna get my arm outta this...hurry up..tick tock..any day now..plleeeease I just want to get my arm out of this.." It's really pathetic. I also HATE the way it squeezes me, it hurts, it's not comfy..it grosses me out. The reason why it grosses me out is, it makes me think of if you squeeze your wrist really tight and start wiggling your fingers: It makes your veins pop out. That's what I think about when they take my blood pressure. I hate it. It's nasty. To me the blood test was easy, like getting a shot. Oh and it's funny because the lady was looking at which arm's veins were more easy to get to-if I'd've known what she was doing I would've been able to tell her to do it in my right arm from the start. (Yup, I know my arms THAT WELL. Be jealous!!) But, it took me a few seconds to figure out what the heck she was doing (first time). I was really relaxed too. I just looked away. Not because I can't handle seeing the blood fill up. I just looked away because if I see the needle coming-my skin is going to expect it and perhaps try to avoid it. Like in cartoons if they put a knife to your belly-they suck it in. Hahaha. But I got to see my blood vile afterwords. It was pretty nifty! (I did just say that so there :P) To me that would be AWESOME too look at under a microscope as opposed to preserved lab slides in anatomy class. No no, that's REAL lab work right there. Pretty sweet! Excccccccccceeept! I don't mind blood, but URINE. EW. Who wants to look at someone's URINE..? That's just NASTY. I'm glad there are people who are willing to do that--but not me.
They don't really respond to Ibuprofen very well, I've been taken 600mgs and it's been taking a LONG time for it to kick in. Two-two and half hours or so. And then it doesn't give me much relief when it does kick in. So that's why I went to the doctors.
The doctor said that she doesn't think it is arthritis. She says my knee caps move more freely then most. They have more mobility. It's like they're more flexible then the average *normal* person's. (I could've told her that.. But I didn't realize that it was *abnormal* for them to move around as much as they do..) She thinks it's the mobility that is causing my knees pain. She says if that's the case physical therapy would be good for me to get some knee exercises that builds up my knee muscles. Which I wasn't too happy about. Why can't they just give me some stretches or something? I mean why do I have to GO to physical therapy..? I dunno. I won't think too much on it anyways since we haven't gotten the blood test back yet.
The nurse is making an appointment with (I forgot what he specializes in..specifically) a guy who apparently deals with a lot of knee issues and athletes stuff like that. Whatever. The like. That's why the doctor had me get some x-rays done of my knees so he can have them, and have looked at them by the time we meet at the appointment with him. So, cool. It's all organized and stuff. That is ONE thing I like about the doctor's, they're so organized. And you know me, that's up my alley. But, she had me take a blood test anyways since there IS a family history of arthritis. Annnnddd since I've noticed aches and stuff in my elbows and shooting down my arm and into my hands too.
I don't know when my next appointment is. So we'll see what ends up happening. Also, I'll be posting about the blood test results. I also hope the pain in my elbows and hands can be explained... Blerg. Whatev. What a fun day! (no..not really..)
I'm a germ freak too! I hate sitting in the waiting room chairs or any chairs at the doctors-period! They're so yucky to think about all the sick people before you that have sat there. People that were diagnosed with life threatening diseases that have sat in that chair before you, and perhaps died since then..
I wouldn't let Josiah touch the arm rest on the chairs because, "of germs, Siah". I can't help it. It grosses me out. When I came home I RAN inside being careful not to *touch* anything because of "being at the doctors..EW."
When I was waiting to get my x-rays taken, there was a bunch of old ladies waiting in the waiting room too. I watched them for a while. (I'm a people person what can I say? I LOVE to people watch..) Then I turned around and I told my Mom that I really like old people. She's like you do? And I was like yeah. They're so sweet. And even when they aren't you gotta realize they have lived life, and experienced much more than you have.. I don't know. There's something beautiful about them. Oh and those old ladies were so funny and cute and sweet.
Just for the record before I end this, it was my first time getting a blood test. I actually don't mind it!! I think getting your blood pressure taken is WORSE. I HATE the squeezy thing! I have to purposefully think about something else, look at something else (if possible), and slow my breathing. Otherwise I start to laugh uneasily just out of pure nervousness. I'm claustrophobic and all I can think about is, "I wanna get my arm outta this, I wanna get my arm outta this...hurry up..tick tock..any day now..plleeeease I just want to get my arm out of this.." It's really pathetic. I also HATE the way it squeezes me, it hurts, it's not comfy..it grosses me out. The reason why it grosses me out is, it makes me think of if you squeeze your wrist really tight and start wiggling your fingers: It makes your veins pop out. That's what I think about when they take my blood pressure. I hate it. It's nasty. To me the blood test was easy, like getting a shot. Oh and it's funny because the lady was looking at which arm's veins were more easy to get to-if I'd've known what she was doing I would've been able to tell her to do it in my right arm from the start. (Yup, I know my arms THAT WELL. Be jealous!!) But, it took me a few seconds to figure out what the heck she was doing (first time). I was really relaxed too. I just looked away. Not because I can't handle seeing the blood fill up. I just looked away because if I see the needle coming-my skin is going to expect it and perhaps try to avoid it. Like in cartoons if they put a knife to your belly-they suck it in. Hahaha. But I got to see my blood vile afterwords. It was pretty nifty! (I did just say that so there :P) To me that would be AWESOME too look at under a microscope as opposed to preserved lab slides in anatomy class. No no, that's REAL lab work right there. Pretty sweet! Excccccccccceeept! I don't mind blood, but URINE. EW. Who wants to look at someone's URINE..? That's just NASTY. I'm glad there are people who are willing to do that--but not me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Quote of the day #1
Jami: Look Ma! I'm pretending my goldfish are people, I'm eating people!
Ma: Oh, really?
Jami: Yeah. I'm eating the people, but the pastor's telling me not to. But, I WON'T LISTEN TO HIM. *Giggles innocently* "Ahh! No, no, don't eat me, PLEASE don't eat me!" "NEVER." *plops goldfish in mouth*
Me: ..................Woa *chuckles nervously* Jami, that's totally evil!!
Ma: Jami, you need to stop.
Jami: I was jest kiddin!! *Laughs*
~Lissie Darcy
Ps. Jami's 4.
Ma: Oh, really?
Jami: Yeah. I'm eating the people, but the pastor's telling me not to. But, I WON'T LISTEN TO HIM. *Giggles innocently* "Ahh! No, no, don't eat me, PLEASE don't eat me!" "NEVER." *plops goldfish in mouth*
Me: ..................Woa *chuckles nervously* Jami, that's totally evil!!
Ma: Jami, you need to stop.
Jami: I was jest kiddin!! *Laughs*
~Lissie Darcy
Ps. Jami's 4.
The Ice Is Getting Thinner
Death Cab For Cutie is my new favorite band. I go through phases of listening to specific people a lot. Currently its the Black Keys and Death Cab For Cutie. Go check out the song "The Ice is Getting Thinner" Google the lyrics..or here I'll do it for you, Click HERE
That song pretty much describes my life right now. It's scary. I heard that song today and just got the chills. We need prayer. Lots of it. Pray for my parents, pray for our family. Pray that we would all LOOK TO CHRIST.
The song that SHOULD describe our lives, is the hymn in Christ alone. (SEE HERE) It's like the Lewis quote--in order for that song to be your life's song then, "Relying on Christ must begin all over again, everyday as if nothing had yet been done.." (What? It's my FAVORITE Lewis quote. Well one of my favorites.)
I really do not like that Death Cab song particularly because it describes life right now. I want our life to be described as courageous Christians always and only ever seeking Christ. I want our hope to be found in Christ--ALONE--. I want us to daily rely on God. I want us to be strong in the Lord, and courageous.
Chesterton's quote on courage is amazing. (The only thing I've ever read of Chesterton's is, "The Man who was Thursday". I really REALLY want to read, "The Everlasting Man," and "Orthodoxy". They are on the top of my booklist right now. (Yes because I need more books to read along with the 50 others on my shelf...))
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice.
That song pretty much describes my life right now. It's scary. I heard that song today and just got the chills. We need prayer. Lots of it. Pray for my parents, pray for our family. Pray that we would all LOOK TO CHRIST.
The song that SHOULD describe our lives, is the hymn in Christ alone. (SEE HERE) It's like the Lewis quote--in order for that song to be your life's song then, "Relying on Christ must begin all over again, everyday as if nothing had yet been done.." (What? It's my FAVORITE Lewis quote. Well one of my favorites.)
I really do not like that Death Cab song particularly because it describes life right now. I want our life to be described as courageous Christians always and only ever seeking Christ. I want our hope to be found in Christ--ALONE--. I want us to daily rely on God. I want us to be strong in the Lord, and courageous.
Chesterton's quote on courage is amazing. (The only thing I've ever read of Chesterton's is, "The Man who was Thursday". I really REALLY want to read, "The Everlasting Man," and "Orthodoxy". They are on the top of my booklist right now. (Yes because I need more books to read along with the 50 others on my shelf...))
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice.
He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."~G. K. Chesterton's "Orthodoxy"
Life's definitely not fully described by that right now. It's more like "the ice is getting thinner under me, under you," We bury our love.."
Brothers and Sisters in Christ-keep us in your prayers!
~Elisabeth Darcy
Ps. Chesterton's quote is definitely worth common placing, if you keep a common place book.
Monday, August 9, 2010
When The Spiritual Realm Breaks Through The Temporal Realm And Becomes Reality Part 2
There was an issue of pride on my part today. I had a chip on my shoulder since. (it was a small matter mind you and pride as is the case, made it into a bigger matter..) This was during reading "Don't Waste Your Life" mind you! After we had got done reading it there was a stupid comment made about some movie Jake wanted to watch and my Mom said "you should". I just thought it was weird because she never says "You should". She usually just nods her head and then maybe she'll say "Just make sure you do what you need to do first.."
When I pointed this out my Mom was like well he hasn't watched that one in a long time and it's such a good one. Anyways I was like, "mm..well you never usually say that." From there I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that Jules and Jake made small comments that were to be taken as, "ooooo..SOOOMMEBODY'S cranky.." They were passive aggressive remarks. I'm more of the aggressive type myself (so as you can see we clash a bit..) and I confronted them with total pride and impatience that I did not "appreciate" the way they were treating me. (In case you haven't noticed if there's one thing I can't stand it's passive aggressive little sarcastic DIGS.) The funny thing was that I wasn't treating them the way I wanted them to treat me in the first place.
My Mom confronted me on this and (here's the blunt details..) it just got elevated. I got up after she was done talking and was like, "Well" and started to get up and I was going to walk away. (again with the running away from conflict-see a pattern here? It's a HUGE sin struggle I deal with and it's also a generational sin struggle from my Dad's side. Actually both sides. But my Dad's side is more of how I am: The Cold, bitter, distant, silent *but deadly* anger that I use to run away with and NOT deal with the conflict..It's a huge sin struggle.) My sister Jules said in a very soft voice, "No, Ate. Don't shut us out." (It's a pattern..when I'm furiously angry I run away to be alone. Instead of dealing with the conflict.) I decided to just sit and glare her down. My Mom was again confronting me and it got to the point where it was just elevating and elevating..She got to the point where she was being sarcastic and was like "Here we are I am trying to do this for you guys. I'm trying to do stupid Bible reading and read you this stupid book *gestures to Piper's book* and we can't even have five minutes of peace around here without at least one of you guys causing strife around here." It went something like that.
After that I decided I was "done". She was in the middle of talking and I cut her off right about there and I said, "Well if it's so stupid.." and just started to walk away. I was furious. It wasn't just the remark that bothered me so. It wasn't the sarcasm beating down into my soul (which I was using against them as well-in fact I was the one who began to use it first..) that got to me. No, it was all of my heart issues, my sins, all of life's circumstances, EVERYTHING that I had been struggling with just blew up inside of me. It just exploded. It was like an atomic bomb. I had had enough. I needed to get away fast-to retreat because I didn't know what else to do with my fury inside of me.
There's only been a few times in my life where I've been THAT furious. Where I don't even know what to do with myself, how to deal with the conflict and the anger inside of me. I can do nothing but furiously sob (which I only ever cry when I'm furious or when I'm broken. OR having an emotional break down due to no sleep or I feel crappy or having a hard day in general..)
Of course I was a rebellious, stubborn teenager which to make matters worse, claims to be a Christian. I was being incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to my Mom. And from there I'll refrain from all the dark details. It got pretty escalated. Bulging tears, and quite a bit of yelling.
I ran into my room and in the closet in the DARK because I didn't want to be in the light. I felt exposed, and I felt like I would have to justify to myself, to God why I was sitting in a sunny room at a time like this.
My Mom came up to my room shortly after and talked to me. After which I couldn't take it. I knew the consequences of running away from God. I knew where they lead in the end. What I wanted most was for the conflict to end, to be dealt with. I didn't want to (I truly didn't want) run away from the conflict in my life in general. But especially in my heart. There's few times in my life where Ive been outwardly defiant like that to my parents, and so boldly too. I knew I was in a bad place in my heart. I knew I wasn't and haven't been really dealing with the sin in my heart. I knew if I ran from God that the conflict would still be there, the sin would still be there, the decaying and the filth and the evil and the demonic powers of this world would still be there. I knew that in the end without Christ it's hopeless. I knew I did not want to throw my life away by doing whatever I wanted..by avoiding conflict. I knew that headed down this road I would be like the people in Romans 1:20 and on. It's always been my greatest fear, that God would depart His Spirit from me. It was these thoughts that drove me to God. It was the thought that "IN Christ ALONE my hope is found.." that drew me towards Him.
From there on I had HOURS and HOURS of self examination. I was quiet, and I listened to everything God had to say. I watched as He showed me SO clearly, the reality of my heart. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I begged for forgiveness. I was broken. The illusion that I was in control was broken. The reality that God is in control was faced.
After all this I was able to go downstairs and reconcile with my parents. Usually they come to me first-but this time I went first. A baby step towards humility. Something that I need God to give me DAILY.
This Monday the spiritual realm was clearly seen. The demonic forces, the power of evil are there. They're here. They're real. And the kingdom of God was seen today too. There are PEOPLE, brothers and sisters in Christ all around us who ARE fighting this battle daily. Who are AWARE of it. Who are armed, and fighting. It's a day-to-day battle. If you wake up in the morning and you don't prepare yourself for battle-you're in for it. It's going to be like Men and Black: Woa woa woa..ALIENS? Ha ha! WHHAT? The battle between men and the aliens in Men and Black isn't clearly visible to the rest of earth-only to a few group of people. An institute that fights the aliens. They are equipped for battle, they know their stuff. The difference is we know our stuff, we are equipped for battle with the Word of God, and with prayer. But we aren't using "flashy thingies" to wipe peoples memory whenever they get a glimpse of the spiritual battle around them. No, we are suppose to actually TELL them about it! We're suppose to go to the people getting captured and tortured by their sin, Satan and his followers; we're suppose to go to them and tell them about Christ. Let them know there's a way out. We are suppose to come along side them and FIGHT for them, show them how to fight. Show them with what we are armed with: The Word of God.
One of my ALL time favorite Lewis quotes: "Relying on God has to begin all over again..Everyday as if nothing had yet been done.."
And I'll leave you with that quote,
Elisabeth Darcy
When I pointed this out my Mom was like well he hasn't watched that one in a long time and it's such a good one. Anyways I was like, "mm..well you never usually say that." From there I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that Jules and Jake made small comments that were to be taken as, "ooooo..SOOOMMEBODY'S cranky.." They were passive aggressive remarks. I'm more of the aggressive type myself (so as you can see we clash a bit..) and I confronted them with total pride and impatience that I did not "appreciate" the way they were treating me. (In case you haven't noticed if there's one thing I can't stand it's passive aggressive little sarcastic DIGS.) The funny thing was that I wasn't treating them the way I wanted them to treat me in the first place.
My Mom confronted me on this and (here's the blunt details..) it just got elevated. I got up after she was done talking and was like, "Well" and started to get up and I was going to walk away. (again with the running away from conflict-see a pattern here? It's a HUGE sin struggle I deal with and it's also a generational sin struggle from my Dad's side. Actually both sides. But my Dad's side is more of how I am: The Cold, bitter, distant, silent *but deadly* anger that I use to run away with and NOT deal with the conflict..It's a huge sin struggle.) My sister Jules said in a very soft voice, "No, Ate. Don't shut us out." (It's a pattern..when I'm furiously angry I run away to be alone. Instead of dealing with the conflict.) I decided to just sit and glare her down. My Mom was again confronting me and it got to the point where it was just elevating and elevating..She got to the point where she was being sarcastic and was like "Here we are I am trying to do this for you guys. I'm trying to do stupid Bible reading and read you this stupid book *gestures to Piper's book* and we can't even have five minutes of peace around here without at least one of you guys causing strife around here." It went something like that.
After that I decided I was "done". She was in the middle of talking and I cut her off right about there and I said, "Well if it's so stupid.." and just started to walk away. I was furious. It wasn't just the remark that bothered me so. It wasn't the sarcasm beating down into my soul (which I was using against them as well-in fact I was the one who began to use it first..) that got to me. No, it was all of my heart issues, my sins, all of life's circumstances, EVERYTHING that I had been struggling with just blew up inside of me. It just exploded. It was like an atomic bomb. I had had enough. I needed to get away fast-to retreat because I didn't know what else to do with my fury inside of me.
There's only been a few times in my life where I've been THAT furious. Where I don't even know what to do with myself, how to deal with the conflict and the anger inside of me. I can do nothing but furiously sob (which I only ever cry when I'm furious or when I'm broken. OR having an emotional break down due to no sleep or I feel crappy or having a hard day in general..)
Of course I was a rebellious, stubborn teenager which to make matters worse, claims to be a Christian. I was being incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to my Mom. And from there I'll refrain from all the dark details. It got pretty escalated. Bulging tears, and quite a bit of yelling.
I ran into my room and in the closet in the DARK because I didn't want to be in the light. I felt exposed, and I felt like I would have to justify to myself, to God why I was sitting in a sunny room at a time like this.
My Mom came up to my room shortly after and talked to me. After which I couldn't take it. I knew the consequences of running away from God. I knew where they lead in the end. What I wanted most was for the conflict to end, to be dealt with. I didn't want to (I truly didn't want) run away from the conflict in my life in general. But especially in my heart. There's few times in my life where Ive been outwardly defiant like that to my parents, and so boldly too. I knew I was in a bad place in my heart. I knew I wasn't and haven't been really dealing with the sin in my heart. I knew if I ran from God that the conflict would still be there, the sin would still be there, the decaying and the filth and the evil and the demonic powers of this world would still be there. I knew that in the end without Christ it's hopeless. I knew I did not want to throw my life away by doing whatever I wanted..by avoiding conflict. I knew that headed down this road I would be like the people in Romans 1:20 and on. It's always been my greatest fear, that God would depart His Spirit from me. It was these thoughts that drove me to God. It was the thought that "IN Christ ALONE my hope is found.." that drew me towards Him.
From there on I had HOURS and HOURS of self examination. I was quiet, and I listened to everything God had to say. I watched as He showed me SO clearly, the reality of my heart. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I begged for forgiveness. I was broken. The illusion that I was in control was broken. The reality that God is in control was faced.
After all this I was able to go downstairs and reconcile with my parents. Usually they come to me first-but this time I went first. A baby step towards humility. Something that I need God to give me DAILY.
This Monday the spiritual realm was clearly seen. The demonic forces, the power of evil are there. They're here. They're real. And the kingdom of God was seen today too. There are PEOPLE, brothers and sisters in Christ all around us who ARE fighting this battle daily. Who are AWARE of it. Who are armed, and fighting. It's a day-to-day battle. If you wake up in the morning and you don't prepare yourself for battle-you're in for it. It's going to be like Men and Black: Woa woa woa..ALIENS? Ha ha! WHHAT? The battle between men and the aliens in Men and Black isn't clearly visible to the rest of earth-only to a few group of people. An institute that fights the aliens. They are equipped for battle, they know their stuff. The difference is we know our stuff, we are equipped for battle with the Word of God, and with prayer. But we aren't using "flashy thingies" to wipe peoples memory whenever they get a glimpse of the spiritual battle around them. No, we are suppose to actually TELL them about it! We're suppose to go to the people getting captured and tortured by their sin, Satan and his followers; we're suppose to go to them and tell them about Christ. Let them know there's a way out. We are suppose to come along side them and FIGHT for them, show them how to fight. Show them with what we are armed with: The Word of God.
One of my ALL time favorite Lewis quotes: "Relying on God has to begin all over again..Everyday as if nothing had yet been done.."
And I'll leave you with that quote,
Elisabeth Darcy
When The Spiritual Realm Breaks Through The Temporal Realm And Becomes Reality Part 1
I have a love/hate for Mondays. The thought of a long week ahead is either overwhelmingly stressful, or overwhelmingly exciting, or overwhelmingly mundane and boring. Lamentations 3:22-23 is what gets me through Mondays. That's only if I'm even looking to God when I'm overwhelmed by Mondays. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I have to chide myself and purposefully read those verses.
Mondays are kind of scary. It's either the start of a really crappy week, a really exciting and busy week, or a really mundane and boring week. I have this weird fear of Mondays. Call it pathological or irrational (or a combo of both..yikes) it's in actuality not of the Mondays themselves. I think it's more of the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen THIS week? Am I going to SURVIVE this week? Is surviving even a question? Or is it more like how am I going to live my life this week? (For God, or for myself..) What sort of struggles will I face? What sort of people will I encounter? Is there (if you really want to get to the bare bones and be honest..) ANY amount of control on MY part? That's what the fear boils down to. It boils down to control. Mondays for me, are a small break in the illusion that I am in control.
It was a typical summer Monday for me: Get up, weigh myself (I'm on weight watchers with my Mom and Sis. I'm morale support and I have a small goal.) Which is another reason, by the way, why I hate Mondays.., record in my observations journal (aka weight watchers journal..maybe I'll post about it some other time..), eat breakfast, and gather around with Jules, Jake, and Ma to do Bible reading and read from, "Don't Waste Your Life" by Piper.
To keep this some what maintained (because I'm so over wordy just because I'm a detail oriented gal myself..) I'm just going to fast forward and get to the point. Before I go on however, I want you to know that as much as I am honest about home life on my blog, I'm also very indirect about the darker side of life. I'm sure you've noticed. Sometimes I'm indirect just because by the time I blog about it I've already talked with a bunch of other people (God, my family, people in the church..) about my situation and struggles. To blog about it directly and give all the details can be frustrating in a sense. Why blog about it then? It helps to just spell out the crap in life sometimes; even in an indirect way. It helps to think about it again, and again and analyze over and over again. And search my heart over more than once. If that makes sense. If you've read other posts of mine you've heard me say that I blog so my head doesn't explode. Point being, this time I'm going to be more direct. You can stop reading if you want. Just sayin..
Fast forwarding-There was an issue of pride on my part. I have trouble sleeping. Of late I stay up really late. 12..is usually the latest, sometimes one..sometimes later. I'll be in bed and I'll fall asleep to music or tire myself out by reading. I always ask why can't I just go to sleep and pass out? I used to be able to do that when I was little. (But I did go through a phase when I was little where I would anxiously lay in bed and then start bawling. I'd hyper ventilate too-mildly so. Basically I would have anxiety attacks when I was little, contemplating on whether or not I was a Christian. Was my name in the book of life? Can God ever forgive me because I'm such a sinner-I haven't been "doing enough works for Him. (I've always wrestled with grace..but I think everyone does..) I'd run downstairs to my parents and perhaps ask for benadryl or something. I was always told to fight it through. "There isn't any medicine for anxiety...etc." You know. Drugs don't deal with the conflict-it just knocks you out so you can sleep without the conscience thoughts seeping in and bothering you.. They would pray for me, and have me pray for me. They would remind me that I don't have to DO anything for salvation. They would remind me of Lamentations 2:22-23 They would remind me that people who are as concerned as I was about my heart, who claimed to be Christians-ARE CHRISTIANS. They aren't "not" saved. If that makes sense. I went through that phase around when I was ten and eleven. But it's not like I'd be up until 1 in the morning..) I couldn't quite figure out why it was that I have been having sleeping issues. Why do I feel like I have to stay up THIS late?
Part of it is because since I turned sixteen I no longer have an official bedtime. (Although 12 every night isn't acceptable because it starts to catch up with me. And then I end up sleeping in until ten..) I had a lot of time today (a whole half of a day) to really examine myself and search my heart. The reason why I stay up so late and can't "unwind" is because if I stay up late enough then I'll be tired enough to just fall asleep without having to really THINK about my life. If I'm tired enough I can push aside all thoughts, reflections of my day, reflections of my HEART and where I am at in my life. You see it's just the same as drugging. It's a sin issue for me. It's a way to take control of my life. It's a form of unfaithfulness to God. I don't trust Him with my life so I'm going to take charge of it.
My life right now isn't the greatest. But it's not facing the reality of my life that I'm afraid of. It's facing the reality of my heart that I'm afraid of. You see, when the spiritual realm (see Ephesians 6:11-etc.) breaks through the temporal realm the illusion that YOU are in control starts cracking. When conflict can no longer be overlooked, the power and influence of evil is so vivid you can't ignore the reality of things. There is a REAL spiritual battle that you must face on a day to day basis. When we ignore that, and make our own little worlds where "we're" in control, at SOME POINT the reality of the spiritual realm is going to break through your illusion. It will break through your world. It is not fun when it smashes your world. You're a wreck. Put on the full armor of God, Christian. With God there is NO shortcuts when dealing with conflict, when fighting the good fight. God's going to break your world, tear it apart and remind you that He is in control.
When this happens you have 1 of two choices: 1) Run to God, repent and put on the whole armor of God and FIGHT. OR 2) Run away from God and try to find ways in which you can control your life. Basically: Continue sinning. Running away from God and doing things like drugs, getting drunk, sex, etc. (which is the extreme side of things) or even the not so extreme side of things: closing your eyes and pretending there's no sin-it doesn't deal with the conflict. It doesn't take it away. It numbs the pain that your sin is causing you and others around you. It creates an illusion that there is no sin. But the conflict is still there.
One way or another God will break you..keep on sinning and He'll keep on breaking you. Or He'll give you up to your passions and lusts of your heart-but He'll continue to let you know that He's still in control of your life. Although you're doing what you please-you're not going to be AS evil and AS sinful as you can possibly be. He's still God.
This Monday I wrestled with God. I encountered a holy God, as I saw all the wickedness in my heart. You know what? Somehow-(only by God's grace) I'm at peace. I know that no matter what happens, even if the WORST happened-He has a plan, He has a purpose. In the end THIS isn't it.
I'll leave you with this question: When was the last time you encountered God? When was the last time you wrestled with God? Have you armored yourself with the full armor of God? Have you eaten and drank from His table? Are you satisfied? Because now YOU have to go OUT THERE where there's people so accustomed to darkness, so down in the depths of despair, (as Anne would say) so incredibly hopeless, and they think there is no way out. They think that this is all there is. They keep looking and looking for peace and restoration, and redemption, and grace, and mercy and satisfaction, and hope, and love. They don't find it. They KNOW they can't save themselves. These people need to hear about the cross. They need to hear about the Gospel. We are told to go out there humbly (because we AREN'T better then them, we are ALL made in God's image, and we are ALL sinners..) and tell them about Christ in a way that is free of the Christian language/jargon. By that I mean: All the doctrinal phrases, all the stuff Christians know, they know because they're Christians. They've read the Bible, they've studied theology, they've read a wide variety of Christian literature, they've heard a wide variety of Christian preachers. We live in a world right now (at least in Western culture..) where people think they KNOW Jesus. But they don't. We need to tell them in a way that they can understand, and in a way that isn't boring. To me the Gospel message isn't boring, and to Christians it isn't boring. (or it shouldn't be). What I mean is we need to tell them in a way that's understandable to them, and in a way that they haven't heard before. (SO-all their assumptions about Jesus that are false-we need to tell them about the REAL facts about Jesus. Who He REALLY is, what He REALLY does, How He's REALLY involved in our lives PRESENTLY.)
Are you equipped with the Word of God so you can do that?
~Lissie
Ps. Can you tell (for any of you Nampa Bible readers..if any..) I've been listening to the sermons? Geeze, Lissie..
Mondays are kind of scary. It's either the start of a really crappy week, a really exciting and busy week, or a really mundane and boring week. I have this weird fear of Mondays. Call it pathological or irrational (or a combo of both..yikes) it's in actuality not of the Mondays themselves. I think it's more of the fear of the unknown. What is going to happen THIS week? Am I going to SURVIVE this week? Is surviving even a question? Or is it more like how am I going to live my life this week? (For God, or for myself..) What sort of struggles will I face? What sort of people will I encounter? Is there (if you really want to get to the bare bones and be honest..) ANY amount of control on MY part? That's what the fear boils down to. It boils down to control. Mondays for me, are a small break in the illusion that I am in control.
It was a typical summer Monday for me: Get up, weigh myself (I'm on weight watchers with my Mom and Sis. I'm morale support and I have a small goal.) Which is another reason, by the way, why I hate Mondays.., record in my observations journal (aka weight watchers journal..maybe I'll post about it some other time..), eat breakfast, and gather around with Jules, Jake, and Ma to do Bible reading and read from, "Don't Waste Your Life" by Piper.
To keep this some what maintained (because I'm so over wordy just because I'm a detail oriented gal myself..) I'm just going to fast forward and get to the point. Before I go on however, I want you to know that as much as I am honest about home life on my blog, I'm also very indirect about the darker side of life. I'm sure you've noticed. Sometimes I'm indirect just because by the time I blog about it I've already talked with a bunch of other people (God, my family, people in the church..) about my situation and struggles. To blog about it directly and give all the details can be frustrating in a sense. Why blog about it then? It helps to just spell out the crap in life sometimes; even in an indirect way. It helps to think about it again, and again and analyze over and over again. And search my heart over more than once. If that makes sense. If you've read other posts of mine you've heard me say that I blog so my head doesn't explode. Point being, this time I'm going to be more direct. You can stop reading if you want. Just sayin..
Fast forwarding-There was an issue of pride on my part. I have trouble sleeping. Of late I stay up really late. 12..is usually the latest, sometimes one..sometimes later. I'll be in bed and I'll fall asleep to music or tire myself out by reading. I always ask why can't I just go to sleep and pass out? I used to be able to do that when I was little. (But I did go through a phase when I was little where I would anxiously lay in bed and then start bawling. I'd hyper ventilate too-mildly so. Basically I would have anxiety attacks when I was little, contemplating on whether or not I was a Christian. Was my name in the book of life? Can God ever forgive me because I'm such a sinner-I haven't been "doing enough works for Him. (I've always wrestled with grace..but I think everyone does..) I'd run downstairs to my parents and perhaps ask for benadryl or something. I was always told to fight it through. "There isn't any medicine for anxiety...etc." You know. Drugs don't deal with the conflict-it just knocks you out so you can sleep without the conscience thoughts seeping in and bothering you.. They would pray for me, and have me pray for me. They would remind me that I don't have to DO anything for salvation. They would remind me of Lamentations 2:22-23 They would remind me that people who are as concerned as I was about my heart, who claimed to be Christians-ARE CHRISTIANS. They aren't "not" saved. If that makes sense. I went through that phase around when I was ten and eleven. But it's not like I'd be up until 1 in the morning..) I couldn't quite figure out why it was that I have been having sleeping issues. Why do I feel like I have to stay up THIS late?
Part of it is because since I turned sixteen I no longer have an official bedtime. (Although 12 every night isn't acceptable because it starts to catch up with me. And then I end up sleeping in until ten..) I had a lot of time today (a whole half of a day) to really examine myself and search my heart. The reason why I stay up so late and can't "unwind" is because if I stay up late enough then I'll be tired enough to just fall asleep without having to really THINK about my life. If I'm tired enough I can push aside all thoughts, reflections of my day, reflections of my HEART and where I am at in my life. You see it's just the same as drugging. It's a sin issue for me. It's a way to take control of my life. It's a form of unfaithfulness to God. I don't trust Him with my life so I'm going to take charge of it.
My life right now isn't the greatest. But it's not facing the reality of my life that I'm afraid of. It's facing the reality of my heart that I'm afraid of. You see, when the spiritual realm (see Ephesians 6:11-etc.) breaks through the temporal realm the illusion that YOU are in control starts cracking. When conflict can no longer be overlooked, the power and influence of evil is so vivid you can't ignore the reality of things. There is a REAL spiritual battle that you must face on a day to day basis. When we ignore that, and make our own little worlds where "we're" in control, at SOME POINT the reality of the spiritual realm is going to break through your illusion. It will break through your world. It is not fun when it smashes your world. You're a wreck. Put on the full armor of God, Christian. With God there is NO shortcuts when dealing with conflict, when fighting the good fight. God's going to break your world, tear it apart and remind you that He is in control.
When this happens you have 1 of two choices: 1) Run to God, repent and put on the whole armor of God and FIGHT. OR 2) Run away from God and try to find ways in which you can control your life. Basically: Continue sinning. Running away from God and doing things like drugs, getting drunk, sex, etc. (which is the extreme side of things) or even the not so extreme side of things: closing your eyes and pretending there's no sin-it doesn't deal with the conflict. It doesn't take it away. It numbs the pain that your sin is causing you and others around you. It creates an illusion that there is no sin. But the conflict is still there.
One way or another God will break you..keep on sinning and He'll keep on breaking you. Or He'll give you up to your passions and lusts of your heart-but He'll continue to let you know that He's still in control of your life. Although you're doing what you please-you're not going to be AS evil and AS sinful as you can possibly be. He's still God.
This Monday I wrestled with God. I encountered a holy God, as I saw all the wickedness in my heart. You know what? Somehow-(only by God's grace) I'm at peace. I know that no matter what happens, even if the WORST happened-He has a plan, He has a purpose. In the end THIS isn't it.
I'll leave you with this question: When was the last time you encountered God? When was the last time you wrestled with God? Have you armored yourself with the full armor of God? Have you eaten and drank from His table? Are you satisfied? Because now YOU have to go OUT THERE where there's people so accustomed to darkness, so down in the depths of despair, (as Anne would say) so incredibly hopeless, and they think there is no way out. They think that this is all there is. They keep looking and looking for peace and restoration, and redemption, and grace, and mercy and satisfaction, and hope, and love. They don't find it. They KNOW they can't save themselves. These people need to hear about the cross. They need to hear about the Gospel. We are told to go out there humbly (because we AREN'T better then them, we are ALL made in God's image, and we are ALL sinners..) and tell them about Christ in a way that is free of the Christian language/jargon. By that I mean: All the doctrinal phrases, all the stuff Christians know, they know because they're Christians. They've read the Bible, they've studied theology, they've read a wide variety of Christian literature, they've heard a wide variety of Christian preachers. We live in a world right now (at least in Western culture..) where people think they KNOW Jesus. But they don't. We need to tell them in a way that they can understand, and in a way that isn't boring. To me the Gospel message isn't boring, and to Christians it isn't boring. (or it shouldn't be). What I mean is we need to tell them in a way that's understandable to them, and in a way that they haven't heard before. (SO-all their assumptions about Jesus that are false-we need to tell them about the REAL facts about Jesus. Who He REALLY is, what He REALLY does, How He's REALLY involved in our lives PRESENTLY.)
Are you equipped with the Word of God so you can do that?
~Lissie
Ps. Can you tell (for any of you Nampa Bible readers..if any..) I've been listening to the sermons? Geeze, Lissie..
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