There was an issue of pride on my part today. I had a chip on my shoulder since. (it was a small matter mind you and pride as is the case, made it into a bigger matter..) This was during reading "Don't Waste Your Life" mind you! After we had got done reading it there was a stupid comment made about some movie Jake wanted to watch and my Mom said "you should". I just thought it was weird because she never says "You should". She usually just nods her head and then maybe she'll say "Just make sure you do what you need to do first.."
When I pointed this out my Mom was like well he hasn't watched that one in a long time and it's such a good one. Anyways I was like, "mm..well you never usually say that." From there I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that Jules and Jake made small comments that were to be taken as, "ooooo..SOOOMMEBODY'S cranky.." They were passive aggressive remarks. I'm more of the aggressive type myself (so as you can see we clash a bit..) and I confronted them with total pride and impatience that I did not "appreciate" the way they were treating me. (In case you haven't noticed if there's one thing I can't stand it's passive aggressive little sarcastic DIGS.) The funny thing was that I wasn't treating them the way I wanted them to treat me in the first place.
My Mom confronted me on this and (here's the blunt details..) it just got elevated. I got up after she was done talking and was like, "Well" and started to get up and I was going to walk away. (again with the running away from conflict-see a pattern here? It's a HUGE sin struggle I deal with and it's also a generational sin struggle from my Dad's side. Actually both sides. But my Dad's side is more of how I am: The Cold, bitter, distant, silent *but deadly* anger that I use to run away with and NOT deal with the conflict..It's a huge sin struggle.) My sister Jules said in a very soft voice, "No, Ate. Don't shut us out." (It's a pattern..when I'm furiously angry I run away to be alone. Instead of dealing with the conflict.) I decided to just sit and glare her down. My Mom was again confronting me and it got to the point where it was just elevating and elevating..She got to the point where she was being sarcastic and was like "Here we are I am trying to do this for you guys. I'm trying to do stupid Bible reading and read you this stupid book *gestures to Piper's book* and we can't even have five minutes of peace around here without at least one of you guys causing strife around here." It went something like that.
After that I decided I was "done". She was in the middle of talking and I cut her off right about there and I said, "Well if it's so stupid.." and just started to walk away. I was furious. It wasn't just the remark that bothered me so. It wasn't the sarcasm beating down into my soul (which I was using against them as well-in fact I was the one who began to use it first..) that got to me. No, it was all of my heart issues, my sins, all of life's circumstances, EVERYTHING that I had been struggling with just blew up inside of me. It just exploded. It was like an atomic bomb. I had had enough. I needed to get away fast-to retreat because I didn't know what else to do with my fury inside of me.
There's only been a few times in my life where I've been THAT furious. Where I don't even know what to do with myself, how to deal with the conflict and the anger inside of me. I can do nothing but furiously sob (which I only ever cry when I'm furious or when I'm broken. OR having an emotional break down due to no sleep or I feel crappy or having a hard day in general..)
Of course I was a rebellious, stubborn teenager which to make matters worse, claims to be a Christian. I was being incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to my Mom. And from there I'll refrain from all the dark details. It got pretty escalated. Bulging tears, and quite a bit of yelling.
I ran into my room and in the closet in the DARK because I didn't want to be in the light. I felt exposed, and I felt like I would have to justify to myself, to God why I was sitting in a sunny room at a time like this.
My Mom came up to my room shortly after and talked to me. After which I couldn't take it. I knew the consequences of running away from God. I knew where they lead in the end. What I wanted most was for the conflict to end, to be dealt with. I didn't want to (I truly didn't want) run away from the conflict in my life in general. But especially in my heart. There's few times in my life where Ive been outwardly defiant like that to my parents, and so boldly too. I knew I was in a bad place in my heart. I knew I wasn't and haven't been really dealing with the sin in my heart. I knew if I ran from God that the conflict would still be there, the sin would still be there, the decaying and the filth and the evil and the demonic powers of this world would still be there. I knew that in the end without Christ it's hopeless. I knew I did not want to throw my life away by doing whatever I wanted..by avoiding conflict. I knew that headed down this road I would be like the people in Romans 1:20 and on. It's always been my greatest fear, that God would depart His Spirit from me. It was these thoughts that drove me to God. It was the thought that "IN Christ ALONE my hope is found.." that drew me towards Him.
From there on I had HOURS and HOURS of self examination. I was quiet, and I listened to everything God had to say. I watched as He showed me SO clearly, the reality of my heart. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I begged for forgiveness. I was broken. The illusion that I was in control was broken. The reality that God is in control was faced.
After all this I was able to go downstairs and reconcile with my parents. Usually they come to me first-but this time I went first. A baby step towards humility. Something that I need God to give me DAILY.
This Monday the spiritual realm was clearly seen. The demonic forces, the power of evil are there. They're here. They're real. And the kingdom of God was seen today too. There are PEOPLE, brothers and sisters in Christ all around us who ARE fighting this battle daily. Who are AWARE of it. Who are armed, and fighting. It's a day-to-day battle. If you wake up in the morning and you don't prepare yourself for battle-you're in for it. It's going to be like Men and Black: Woa woa woa..ALIENS? Ha ha! WHHAT? The battle between men and the aliens in Men and Black isn't clearly visible to the rest of earth-only to a few group of people. An institute that fights the aliens. They are equipped for battle, they know their stuff. The difference is we know our stuff, we are equipped for battle with the Word of God, and with prayer. But we aren't using "flashy thingies" to wipe peoples memory whenever they get a glimpse of the spiritual battle around them. No, we are suppose to actually TELL them about it! We're suppose to go to the people getting captured and tortured by their sin, Satan and his followers; we're suppose to go to them and tell them about Christ. Let them know there's a way out. We are suppose to come along side them and FIGHT for them, show them how to fight. Show them with what we are armed with: The Word of God.
One of my ALL time favorite Lewis quotes: "Relying on God has to begin all over again..Everyday as if nothing had yet been done.."
And I'll leave you with that quote,
Elisabeth Darcy
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