When the Darkness doesn't Fade

I stole the title from a line from the most corny worship song ever: When the music fades...

I took it and tweaked it so it is now "When the darkness doesn't fade."

You ever feel so overwhelmed and that the darkness is swallowing the world around you up-whole? You ever feel like Satan won't stop breathing down your neck? You ever feel like it's just one thing crashing down after another, just when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You run as fast as you can to that light and somehow realize it was just a firefly?

Maybe it's not even a firefly! Maybe it's a tiny space of light and just ahead is another dark tunnel to your horror. What the he**!? I thought the storm was over? I thought the darkness was gone! Now I can see it in front of me ahead!? But..but God, I thought you said I was done. I thought you said I could have a break. I thought (and this is where you start insanely chuckling to yourself and..telling your feet to move because you sure as he** don't want to move yourself.)

I just feel like it's one thing after another not only with me but my family. We've all been going through a lot. Some extended family issues..and not only that but I'm just watching my parents struggle financially. They're both stressed, both under pressure. It's just not fair. I want their worrying to end. I want this endless heap of anxiety to just STOP.

I'm tired of worrying for my Mom because she's worrying. I don't know how she does it. She's an amazingly strong person although she may not feel that way-all of us kids can see it. In Job in the beginning when satan is pleading with God, asking His permission to afflict Job, and God says go ahead but do not harm my servant Job. It's proof that satan IS on a leash. He's only doing so much as God is letting him.

It's comforting to know that. But at the same time it gets at me like, "Why not give us a break once and a while, God? Why not let us take a few breaths first before you just afflict us with darkness again!"

I just don't get it. What am I suppose to do with all of THIS crap that I feel. Emotionally I feel like I just got into a car accident. Sometimes I just wish God would give me some time to actually breathe and THINK and figure this crap load out. Hahaha.

Pause-

Key words: THINK, and FEEL. I'm more of a logical thinker. I'd rather THINK things through and to he88 with this feely stuff. Sure I feel but that's no reason to stray away from the "logical side of things". (Totally making fun of myself right now if you couldn't tell..) But, God gave us feelings for a reason. They are a form of communication that tell us how we are doing in our walk with God, and our relationships with other people. For instance right now I'm angry, depressed (mildly so), sad, pondering..in silent frustration. (oh and I'm overwhelmed. When I'm angry I usually have a sense of an overwhelming feeling. Did you know anger is a secondary emotion? It's a passive emotion as to what you are ACTUALLY feeling. *secondary* When you feel anger it's not the FIRST emotion you're feeling-it's not the root. It's only the top of the leaves of the weed..) These emotions can tell me something of how I'm doing in my walk with God and in my relationships of others. I was reading this book called "Cry of the Soul" a while ago. I never finished. *which I'm going to pick it back up again because I think it'd be of great help* It talks about the emotions and what they say about your relationship with God.

Oh and if you've ever taken the Meyser Brigg's personality test, I'm an ENTJ. So the "T, and J" have a lot to do with the whole "logical" side of me..

UNPAUSE-

But when we're in the boat (remember the passage in Mark I referred you to a couple post's ago, when the Disciples are in the boat and Jesus is sleeping in the boat and there's a huge storm..) and panicking and all we're thinking about is surviving. All the disciples were thinking about was I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. Fear was driving them. It was mastering them, ruling over them. Remember it is OK TO FEEL FEAR. It is WRONG TO LET FEAR RULE OVER YOU, AND CONTROL YOU AND THE WAY YOU LIVE.

But when that happens all we see is the darkness, the storm, the thunder and lightening the waves. The boat rocking uncontrollably! The water coming in, the hopelessness. And that drives us, fear drives us to shear panic mode. All we can think about is ourselves, I've got to get the hell outta here!

Amongst all this we FORGET JESUS is IN the boat too! He's sleeping! Why isn't He panicked? Why isn't He worried? Oh DUH, because He has things in CONTROL. Because He's GOD, idiot. So duh! And that is when we see the light, and the darkness FADES, and the waves CALM, and the storm DIES DOWN.

I caught myself! When posting this. I'm totally in survival mode.

Dinner gotta go..

Pray for our family,

~Lissie