Condemnation On Both Sides Of The Spectrum Part 1

Lately I've been thinking about what happens after high school. Say what you like: Little late for that eh?, You've got plenty of time!, Just enjoy the time you have now!, Better get to cracking! Time's a' ticking!

Whatever it be. Just shut up for a minute. No matter what side of the spectrum I'm on I feel so condemned from both sides: Either go to college and pursue a degree and in essence live your LIFE a bit before you "settle down". Go out and experience things, experience life, and struggle and wrestle with your faith, because that makes you strong. Or DON'T go to college, DON'T pursue a degree, or a career. Settle down, be a stay at home mom. Women are suppose to be at home.

No matter what side I'm on, there's condemnation on the OTHER side. It just sucks. I'm so tired of people applying (whether unconsciously or consciously, although consciously done tends to hurt more..) their standards to me, and others for that matter. I'm SICK of this. Jesus defines me-not your freaking standards. I'm not living my life to reach YOUR bench mark..mmkk?

Please note that the sarcasm will be given in heavier doses in this particular post.

No matter where I go in my life there's always going to be condemnation coming from somewhere. It really crushes (especially in this area in my life) my spirits. It does nothing to encourage me and spur me on in Christ. In fact it tears me down, it spreads decay, it HURTS me, honestly it does. Why should it bother me so? If I'm honestly letting Christ define me and not what others say or think about me, then why does it bother me?

First- It's so confusing. I'm indecisive as to what I'm going to do as it is! I just need time to think away from the noise, away from the people, the influences, the beloved people and yes role models. Apart from these people, I need time to think about my own interests, my own pursuits and figure it out. I don't WANT to pursue a career. I really don't. I don't see *me* living life in pursuit of a career. I don't see a point in a degree unless I'm going to use it. I'm not going to be an idiot who uses it for bragging rights. I'm either going to use a chunk of my life to go to college in pursuit of a degree for a career, to USE. Or I'm not. Because I'm certainly not going to waste my life, my time, the short time I have on God's green earth (it's beautiful..and guess what I'm a flower. I'm here for a season. And so are you. Think about that.) to waste spending time at college, getting a degree for NOTHING. (*add*: But bragging rights) I'm not going to waste my time partying it up as a college student either. There's things I would rather do, places I would rather see, things I would rather learn, food I'd like to eat, people God wants me to meet (that I know not of now..), etc.

Second- That's just it, it IS a struggle of who defines me. It is a struggle of my identity. American culture today has successfully made you an unsuccessful person if you do not have a degree, a career, SUCCESS-intellectually, financially, socially, etc. Right now I speak more of intellectually. Your intellect must be written on a paper that says, "Hey look I've got a degree. I have a ph.d in math.." Or whatever. You HAVE no identity if you don't have that fancy paper saying you went to BSU for four years. BS. So I'm a nobody because my intellect doesn't jump through your freaking hoops? Kick rocks, and that's BS.

My identity must be, Christ. My acceptance is in Christ. Tell me why again it bothers me so much? I see a heart issue..

To be continued...

~Elisabeth

Book update And a Warning: The Results are epicly lame

I'm reading........................................


ARE YOU?

Ok I wasn't gonna say that from the start.

I'm reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. It was a birthday present. It's my first Oscar Wilde. I'm not very far so I can't give any compliments/critisism.

I'm also STILL reading Cry of the Soul. Because I'm lame like that.

I'm also reading Lewis's "The Great Divorce". It's kind of..strange. Um yeah. I'm not very far. But it's a THIN book so technically I AM far. Does that make sense? It should.

I made my summer reading list too! I'M SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER! The first week of June will be spent finishing my history cirriculumn. The first 2 weeks will of June will also be 2 very horrible weeks of ALGEBRA 1. And then I'll have completed (by then) my MATH!

Week 1 of June: Math and History

Week 2 of June: Just math NO history

The glorious Week 3 of June: NO HISTORY OR MATH..OH AND OF COURSE ANATOMY CLASS WILL BE OVER WITH AND WILL HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE. YESH BABY YESH!

I am going to attempt to do geomatry over the summer.

BUT FIRST, I'm going to have 2 weeks of pure NOTHINGNESS! Just going to devour book after book and devote hours of my free time to BOOKS. All that I can get my hands on. I feel like this school semester and LIFE there's been like NO TIME to read what I wanna read. D:

I have a major essay to write for anatomy class. It's my last essay for this class. Class ends in 2 weeks. So I have to write on why I agree with the Psalmist (i.e. see Ps. 139) that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. YIKES..that's tough! I NEED TO GET CRACKING BUT RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN HAS DECIDED TO MELT INTO MUSH DUE TO MUCH QUIVERING OF NERVOUS RACKMENT OF THE BRAIN FOR IDEAS..(Oh..is rackment not a word? Too bad..)

Anyways yeah. I also got my half sister coming out next wednesday. She'll be visiting for a week. So things are going to be intense.

I SPOKE WITH THE STARBUCKS HIRING MANAGER ON FRIDAY (..oh yesterday..lol) IN PERSON!! AND SHE TOLD ME TO CALL HER MONDAY!! SO I have that to worry about.

And then the fact that I'm behind schedule with math (the schedule that i designed sheesh..)

I have some things to look forward to though!

FOR INSTANCE: Dinner with some favorites of mine (forget not having besties..I have besties..hehe they just don't start with P and end in "EER". It's more like "A" and ends in "dult"...hehe), Coffee with a friend, Hair cut and shopping date with one of my favorite people (one of THE sweetest people I know!!), and on the 25th is orientation night for driver's ed, DRIVER'S ED!! I'M EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!, dinner with some more NBC peeps!!, (again with the a..d...u...l..t..(S) )

SO it's not all bad/things to be anxious/nervous/yeah I won't label this last one for certain reasons....

So I guess this turned out to be more then a book update. More like a life update. Why is it that I want to make a point and instead I spill my guts on EVERYTHING ELSE SURROUNDING that point? Maybe in order to make my point I need to start out with the things surrounding that point and the outcome will be: MY POINT! (That did make sense in my head..if I've left you confuzzled it's ok. I have that impression on most people. DON'T FEEL SAD. YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Go find the "confuzzled about Lissie Darcy" group on facebook.. um only don't look it up now. Wait til I actually create the group and pay people to join, so that I prove that you can believe HALF (at least) of what I say. So that I can prove to you that half of what I say is actually in all seriousness..

Confuzzled at your Confuzzledment,

~Lissie

Serious Prayer

Hey, so this is what's going on in my life right now.

Woke up this morning saw that I had put my phone on silence all (due to not wanting to wake up from my alarm). And I saw I had gotten a call from my Uncle Shaun. Which was unusual. He doesn't ever call me unless he can't get ahold of my Mom, and/or my Dad can't get a hold of either of us.

But, me just waking up, it not processing I thought nothing of it. I thought..actually that he was calling to tell us that Dad quit or something. Dunno. (Well Dad's been working up to the point where he can quit working for him, and just work for himself..so yeah.)

Anyways, as soon as I walk downstairs with Jess, (Usually she's the first to wake up in the morns and Mum asks me to bring her downstairs take care of her and all..) Dad calls Mom. (Mom's phone was downstairs, her room is upstairs and that's why she didn't get all her missed calls). I answer the phone and Daddy tells me to bring the phone to Mum even though she's still sleeping. (Not his usual since she just had a baby (yes that'll be my next post when life doesn't get as serious as it is now..) so he likes her to get her rest and doesn't disturb her unless it is REALLY urgent.) So I'm like..okkk...

Then Jami comes down yelling, "AAATTEEE MA REALLY NEEDS YOU SHE'S CRYING RIGHT NOW!" And I'm like..yeah uh-huh Jami..riiight, Ma's crying? She's probably laughing so hard at Daddy's joke that she's teary-eyed, but CRYING?

Jacob, and Jonah were in the room, Ma's holding Josiah (our newest addition to the fam) while talking to Dad and she's crying..like literally balling. Then she tells me, "Jor go get Jules, and hurry."

After telling Jules the urgency we run back to the room. (Well I did. She still didn't get it, having just woke up.)

My Nana (grandma whom we call Nana. Mom's Mom.) has had a mild stroke. The worst part about it, is she's been having these headaches for some weeks, and I kept telling her to go to the doctor's..and I only mildly mentioned this to my Mom. And now here she is, she had to go to her doctor's appointment this morning, and Auntie Mariah (the wife of Uncle Shaun whom my Dad works for) had to drive out to her house (they live around 25..mins...from us?) (nana's house I mean) and drive her to her doc's appointment. Well she ended up in the hospital this morning and a test confirmed that she did infact, have a mild stroke.

She went in the hospital Friday morning. She went through the MRI. And on Saturday I stayed all day w/her in the hospital with my TT too. Tt flew out here on the spot. And Grandma Kitty arrived last night pretty late. Anyways the neurologist said that she had THREE!! THREE (nana) STROKES! Mild, pin point sized strokes. What we're seeing is the AFTER EFFECTS of the stroke. When she went into the hospital the neurologist said she had the strokes at LEAST 48 hours prior to Friday the day she ended up in the hospital.

Here's a brief touch-up on the anatomy of the strokes (from the neurologist), in the simplest of language:

Blood vessels clotted in the blood supply that is given to the brain. So essentially, the brain was deprived of some blood supply for a short amount of time. And it eventually got disolved. (who knows when at this point, it doesn't matter, as long as the body did its job in disolving it.) This all caused irritation, in essence swelling of the brain. (OH and she had the strokes in the lower left side of her brain.) So what WE'RE seeing, of what's happening to her, is the after effects of the stroke. So her right hand is weak, she's walking funny (and she's right handed..so that's her dominating side) (and you know how the left side of the brain controls the right, and vice versa) she has a bit of droopiness in her right side of her mouth.

Anyways she stayed in the hospital for two days, she came home today. She's on cholestral medicine and asprin. Asprin will keep her blood thin, and from clotting again. There's no medication that wil 100% prevent another stroke from occurring. All we can do is watch her and she's having to have 24 hour care. I'm so thankful she lives on our street! Tt and Grandma Kitty will be mainly taking care of her. Ma will be helping (we'll all be taking turns when one needs a break, we'll have plenty of help.) and I as well.

It could be worse. Anyways, pray for Nana. We're just taking it day by day. Pray for Ma, and Tt. Tt isn't a Christian and it must be really hard for her. Plus she already as it is struggles with anxiety so it's..gotta be pretty tough and scary for her laying in bed at night..you know that's when your mind starts thinking about everything..and just runs off w/your imagination.

Pray for us. It's scary. Death hangs over us all by a thread, it's only when we are woken up to this realization when it becomes a vital thing.

I've been meaning to post this FRIDAY when it all happened, but as you know and can forgive me things have been hectic.

We've been blessed! Extremely blessed, people and friends all around us caring for us, bringing us meals, offering to help us in any way possible. It's been wonderful.

So thank you to all who've helped and offered your help and brought us meals, etc. We love you guys extremely.

Through Him all things are possible,

Lissie Darcy